August 13th 2006 Posted in
Life Since Mai is away visiting her family, I have had what one might term an over abundance of free time. While this may be a god send to some, my usual laziness abated Saturday long enough to allow me to attend a porn dvd signing.
That’s right.
A porn DVD signing. Obviously this post is going to be not safe for work. Here’s your chance to close your browser.
Still with me? OK. Here we go.
The signing was for none other than Akane Hotaru, Japanese blog superstar, who is famous for her ability to squirt more liquid by volume than that super soaker that came with a backpack. She also famously posted an unedited picture of her most nether of nether regions on her blog… A huge no-no in Japan and a career jeopardizing move for which she promptly removed the post and apologized. Now, I am not much of an adult video fan, but I can dig on Hotaru because 1) She doesn’t make squeaky Japanese porn “I’m being raped” sounds, and 2) The squirting thing is probably one of the most amazing things I’ve seen in my life.
So I grabbed Max and headed to the DVD shop near his house, conveniently titled Kaitori Max (Buyback Max in English) where the signing took place. After browsing the DVD selection for our required one purchase (and noticing that Hotaru did a chick with a dick for a dvd on another label. Max and I set off into Den Den Town to kill the hour or so until the event.
Upon returning to the event, we walked into the room and were instantly hit by the unwashed smell of 20 or so porn fiends, who all instantly turned their heads and laughed at the spectacle of two somewhat well dressed foreigners at a Japanese dvd signing. It was instant hilarity, seeing these guys (who basically all looked like dudes who have gotten laid with ugly chicks, but dig on porn to make up for the fact that it is their lot in life) laughing at us, and us laughing at them. So we take our seats on the floor, which made me feel like I was in grade school, and Max and I proceed to mock them in English, occasionally getting glances from the crowd of bemused astonishment. That is, until Hotaru arrived. Now I should be clear, it was not just an Akane Hotaru signing. She was accompanied by some porn newcomer who was not particularly attractive and who’s only claim to fame is a maticulously waxed area not to be named. Taking their seats and giving some awkward words to the crowd, they began to sign for very nervous Japanese otaku. Hotaru was very kind to each, shaking their hands after she signed dvd, card, picture, whatever.
“JP, isn’t she going to want to wash her hands after this?” Max remarked.
“Dude, she sucks dick for money. I think these guys are the least of her cleanliness problems,” I replied.
Eventually it was our turn… Max was first, but I stood up with him, making the Japanese staff accost me for breaching ettiqutte. However, I explained that I would translate for my friend, and was allowed to go up together. Max proceeded to received his autographs first, notably attempting to not shake Hotaru’s hand when she offered it, until the Japanese staff basically forced him to by pointing out his rudeness. Then I got my dvd signed and exchanged some words with the two porn stars (my first meeting with porn stars… who would have guessed such a thing…) and then returned to my seat.
Next up was picture time… Where we were timed for 60 seconds, like it was some sports contest, and allowed to take pictures in groups of 5 photographers. It was one of the strangest things I’ve ever take part in, but it is also strange that I actually knew what was going on, as this picture time thing is standard in girl-oogling otaku events, so I knew what to expect going in even though this was my first event. Here are the pics of said porn star.
After taking photos, it was time to high tail it out of there, as the people who made multiple dvd purchases got to take their pictures with the girls; however, I love money more than brushes with porn stars, so I kept my wallet in my pants (along with other important items)…
In review, two very interesting things were made clear -
1) Fish out of water situations are strangely hilarious, especially if you are the fish and have a good attitude about it.
2) Akane Hotaru is a reverse Picasso in person. She looks skank from far away, but up close she is actually very very pretty. Both Max and I were surprised by this. In fact, when she came in, I told him “Ouch. Real life for the lose. Much less hot in person…” until we got up close.
Finally, if you want to check out her relatively famous but very not safe for work blog, follow this link -
Hotaru’s Life - http://blog.livedoor.jp/akanehotaru/.
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